The Great Fruitcake

There are few who are still living who were there for the revelation of the Great Fruitcake. Whilst debating with an evolutionist who said the Universe came into existence on its own from a dense hydrogen mass, the revelation came to me. Now I pass this to you.

Billions and billions of years ago, there was once an _infinitely dense_fruitcake. Nothing else existed, and it was eternal. When it realized it was by itself, it became lonely. Then it became sad. The Great Fruitcake realized something happened between its discovery and its feeling. It created time.

The Fruitcake was exceedingly glad, for now that there was something else in the Universe it would no longer be alone. Time would be its friend. But, dear reader, as we know, Time is nobody’s friend.

Realizing that the Fruitcake only had a foe to contend with, it became despondent. In a fit of despair, the Great Fruitcake blew itself up. Its parts fissiled and fused, creating all of the elements and objects in the Universe.

Those of us who have become a-woked know of the Great Fruitcake and the sacrifice it made for us all. Each Christmas, we pass around the remaining bits of fruitcake knowing that when  we have eaten all the fruitcake, the Universe will cease and we will be one with the Great Fruitcake. My wife each year hunts for the finest specimen for my consumption.

– 
Ben Wilson, Author