A few Christmasses ago, I revealed the cold, dark truth about Santa: he is alive and active, but will not visit your home (or mine) any time soon. Since then, I’ve explored other sinister facts about the world we live in. It is time you knew about Reggie, the Elf on the Shelf, and how he contributes to pervasive surveillance.
Do you recall when “elf on the shelf” became a thing? According to Wikipedia (Source of All Truth, Peace be Upon Its Editors), the elf is the result of a children’s picture book that came out in the mid-2000s. The legend is that Santa plants these elves so that each night fly away to slander innocent boys and girls.
If only that legend were true. In my earlier investigation, I discovered how Santa actually collected his information. I assure you, he does not rely on a bunch of elves. And there is criticism is that the Elf phenomena is a ruse used by parents to bully their children into good behavior.
Reggie the elf does conduct surveillance, but not on the children. He and his ilk are part of a global multinational clandestine surveillance program. Beyond spying on you and your family, Reggie conducts somatic suggestion. Targets are given false memories and a range of irrational beliefs, including the world being round.
Carol and Chanda outed Reggie, which led to a change of tactics. Rather than have you believe he is always conducting surveillance, Reggie brainwashed the masses to believe he was conducting targeted surveillance on behalf of Santa—which everybody passes off as a myth.
Rather than believe this lie (remember, Santa doesn’t need Reggie to know that you’ve been naughty), I encourage you to do until Reggie as one brave British mother did—melt the bugger.